Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead.
BILLY CRYSTALI’d like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.
More Billy Crystal Quotes
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You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they’re raising them. You can’t push your way into areas where you shouldn’t be saying anything.
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
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I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
I have 40-something intros [that Davis Jr. did]; all are different, none of them happened. And it was hilarious.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
I had really good hearing and when you’re scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
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I’m married – I’ve caught my limit.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
I’m comfortable being old… being black… being Jewish.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, ‘This is the best I’m ever going to look, the best I’m ever going to feel, the best I’m ever going to do,’ and it ain’t that great?
BILLY CRYSTAL -
I don’t like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
I’ve always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That’s why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it’s how we connect, it reminds us we’re alive, it’s the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.
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It is better to look good than to feel good.
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At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn’t have something to say on a nightly basis.
BILLY CRYSTAL -
When I’ve gotten criticism, it’s that it’s too long, too soft, didn’t hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, What’s he doing hitting the government?
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If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it.
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You have to always remember they’re not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death – then hand them back.
BILLY CRYSTAL