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Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.

Billy Crystal

I’ve always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That’s why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it’s how we connect, it reminds us we’re alive, it’s the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Hands Sex Two
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
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Being Funny Sex Sexy Single
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, ‘This is the best I’m ever going to look, the best I’m ever going to feel, the best I’m ever going to do,’ and it ain’t that great?
BILLY CRYSTAL

Feels Looks Reach
Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck’s puff pastries.
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News Puck Puff
I don’t like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.
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Fifth Grade Growing Height
That’s why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.
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Comedian Host Mentality Situations Thinking
There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.
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Kids Nice Thinking
At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.
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Remember Same Things
Nobody is more truthful when he’s acting than De Niro.
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Acting Comedy Truthful
The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.
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Brother Inspiration Laughing
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
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Football Games School
Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.
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Dad Home Style
When we had the girls, my daughter Jenny gave us like a Bible from my daughter of, “Don’t feed them this; don’t feed them that, if she says this, don’t say that,” It was crazy!
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Crazy Daughter Girl
I think when I feel I’m at my best is when I’m on stage, and it’s my version of jazz because it’s just riffing or something.
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Comedy Jazz Thinking
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Book Improvising Play School
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that’s what I had to do.
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Ghouls Saws Sids
I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach – Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did – he was a giant.
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Father Introducing Kids Producer Years
At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn’t have something to say on a nightly basis.
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Bases Nightly Something
You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.
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Muscles Stage World
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.
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Country Funny Humorous
There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
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Big Clothes Difference Mostly
I always came away thinking “I’d like to see her more,” you know? And then when [Parental Guidance] was ready to be cast, we thought – Bette [Midler]. So we called her.
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Guidance Now Then Thinking
When comedy is good, it’s jazz. The beats of it, the looseness, the improvisational part, the music-the way you hit the inflection, the high notes of a joke. It’s all melody to me.
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Art Comedy Way
You give up your dream, you give up.
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Dream Giving Vision
A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it’s really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it’s great.
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Couple Laughing People
I’m comfortable being old… being black… being Jewish.
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Being Black Comedy Old
You have to always remember they’re not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death – then hand them back.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Death Kids Love Own Play

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.

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Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.

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Popular Authors

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