The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLY