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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”

Billy Connolly

When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Acting Hell Real
People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Around Dies Normal People
Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arches Audience People
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Look People Place
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Angel Believe Marijuana Suppose Wings
I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Fog Singer Voice
Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Answers Guy Mountain
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Someone Waitin Witty
If you give people a chance, they shine.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Giving People Shining
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Constitution Happiness Revolution Unique Written
I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Angel Atheist Believe God People
Don’t work out, work in.
BILLY CONNOLLY

never Out Work
I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Algebra Funny Humor Likely never
There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Dear Different Element Venue
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY

International Language Music Sorry Swear
For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Animal Desire Winning

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”

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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”

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