I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
BILLY CONNOLLYPaddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
BILLY CONNOLLY