The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLYPaddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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The more you know the less the better.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
BILLY CONNOLLY