If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
BILLY CONNOLLY