Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLY