I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t aim to offend.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY