My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY