I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
BILLY CONNOLLY







