So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLYIf Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLY