If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
BILLY CONNOLLYNever run with scissors or other pointy objects.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
BILLY CONNOLLY