Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLYNever run with scissors or other pointy objects.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Don’t work out, work in.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
BILLY CONNOLLY