The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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