The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLY