I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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