I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
BILLY CONNOLLY