A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLYI decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
BILLY CONNOLLY