A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
BILLY CONNOLLYI decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLY