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Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

Bill Hicks

I was a weekend drinker…I’d start on Saturday, end on Friday…thought I was controlling it…but I don’t drink any more.
BILL HICKS

Drink Friday Weekend
Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let’s put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.
BILL HICKS

Drug Illegal Marijuana
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .
BILL HICKS

Evening Information Reality
I saw…a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.
BILL HICKS

Horrible Kids People Saws
I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up.
BILL HICKS

Business Kids Men Running
I wouldn’t give Satan a snowball’s chance in Hell against a woman’s ego.
BILL HICKS

Chance Ego Giving
People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
BILL HICKS

Children Believe Earth Left Little People
I am a misanthropic humanist… Do I like people? They’re great, IN THEORY.
BILL HICKS

Misanthropic People Theory
Don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.
BILL HICKS

Ideas Revolutionary Tattoo Worry
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
BILL HICKS

Dream Jeans Three
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.
BILL HICKS

Land might Pick Please
You’re not a human till you’re in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.
BILL HICKS

Book Phones Political
People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?
BILL HICKS

Better Esteem Feel Self War
We are losing the ‘War on Drugs,’ which means there’s a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.
BILL HICKS

Drugs Mean War Winning
So, it’s good to be here, wherever I am.
BILL HICKS

Good Person Wherever
The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.
BILL HICKS

Comedian Roles Starts Waiting
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
BILL HICKS

Comedian Funny Hurt
I don’t identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.
BILL HICKS

Future Historically People Several
Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.
BILL HICKS

Created Fear Organization
I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.
BILL HICKS

Funny Humor Ideas Revolutionary
A Christian will say… “I believe God created me in one day” Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
BILL HICKS

Believe Christian Day One
I’m very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourself… Good evening!
BILL HICKS

Empty Life Thinking Tired
I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul
BILL HICKS

Funny Humor Soul
This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.
BILL HICKS

Bad Drug Everybody Hypocritical Okay One
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven’t proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven’t seen the stats on that yet.
BILL HICKS

Comedian Good Life Smoking
Surgeon General’s warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.
BILL HICKS

Cancer Disease Heart Seriously
It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.
BILL HICKS

Country Party Political

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

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Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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