This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEYOrchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEY