Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEYBut our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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