There are certain things women are better at than men.
ADAM CAROLLASpeaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
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I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.
ADAM CAROLLA