“I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.”

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Love, what a long way, to arrive at a kiss.

She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.

Gemini Man has me thinking about a quote a wise man once said: “Who are you? I am you. I am me. No sir, you are you.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

My toughest fight was with my first wife.