“There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend.”

If men are honest, everything they do and everywhere they go is for a chance to see women.

There were points in my life where I felt oddly irresistible to women. I’m not in that state now and that makes me sad.

We are going as fast as we can as soon as we can. We’re in a race against time, until we run out of money.

Don’t ever give anybody your best advice, because they’re not going to follow it.

I can’t hit on women in public any more. I didn’t decide this; it just doesn’t feel right at my age.

The average celebrity meets, in one year, ten times the amount of people that the average person meets in his entire life.

My motto is more good times.

Frankly, I got into the movies because I like the movies a lot.

With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.

It’s a slight stretch of the imagination but most people are alike in most ways so I’ve never had any trouble identifying with the character that I’m playing.

I don’t think many people have a very good understanding of leisure and the importance it plays in our lives.

A lot of people can’t remember things because they weren’t actually there to begin with – they don’t take it all in.

Well, a girlfriend once told me never to fight with anybody you don’t love.

Acting is everybody’s favorite second job.

Well, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I haven’t been a rogue most of my life.

Played tennis for years. But you can’t improve at tennis after you’re 50. You get to be in your 40s, and suddenly you’re a doubles player.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.