“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”

The only good thing about the good old days is they’re gone.

Every door of racial prejudice I can kick down, is one less door that my children have to kick down.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don’t misuse a household pet.

When you shoot right and truth and justice down, the more right and truth and justice will rise up.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

I personally believe breathatarianism to be the highest mode of human living breathing in pure air, absorbing the direct light and energies of the sun, bathing in pure water I look at the obituaries every morning and ain’t nobody listed but you eaters.

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that’s never been explained.

If democracy is such a good thing, let’s have more of it.

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn’t stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol, and caffeine off the market for six days, they’d have to bring out the tanks to control you.

When you’ve got something really good, you don’t have to force it on people. They will steal it!

I never thought I’d see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we were in Mississippi.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They’d eaten each other.

It is really a hard life. Men will not be nice to you if you are not good-looking, and women will not be nice to you if you are.

Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it’s the most comical thing in the world.

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?