I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
BILLY CONNOLLY