A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
BILLY CONNOLLY