If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
BILLY CONNOLLY