If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
BILLY CONNOLLY