I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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