“I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, ‘Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.’ It literally was a drive-by.”

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I’m drawn to digital because it’s so easy to acquire them when I’m having a need-to-read moment.

My father once told me, and it’s stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you’d want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I don’t roll like that but I’ve never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that’s good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that’s a little disturbing.

Ladies, apologies, but isn’t ‘vintage’ just used stuff?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman’s face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce….I thought he was missing.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I’m going back to bed.

I’m psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they’re not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it’s cable.

Everyone I love I pay.

I don’t feel like I’m with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother’s gripe, too. And she was right. And you’re also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

Don’t wait for the muse. She has a lousy work ethic. Writers just write.

Sometimes, I can see the future stretched out in front of me – just as plain as day. The future hanging over there at the edge of my days. Just waiting for me.

Our waiting is not nothing. It is something — a very big something — because people tend to be shaped by whatever it is they are waiting for.

You can shut out the world. But you always have to stop, and the world is always waiting when you do.

You know there are moments such as these when time stands still and all you do is hold your breath and hope it will wait for you.

On you, my lord, with anxious fear I wait, and from your judgment must expect my fate.

For life be, after all, only a waitin’ for somethin’ else than what we’re doin’; and death be all that we can rightly depend on.

If you don’t listen deeply, the connection won’t take place.