It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLYI can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
BILLY CONNOLLY