I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLYI can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLY







