American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
BILL BAILEYAdd a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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This shed does not contain me.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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