Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.

BILL BAILEY

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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.

Bill Bailey

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Laughing Lavender

I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
BILL BAILEY

Chocolate
Bill Bailey
BILL BAILEY

Ikea
I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
BILL BAILEY

Foxes Knocking Running Scrambling
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEY

Laughing Lavender
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
BILL BAILEY

Swan
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

BILL BAILEY

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY
Thank God for Darwin, eh?

BILL BAILEY

Thank God for Darwin, eh?
BILL BAILEY

Thank
I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
BILL BAILEY

Enjoyed Son
Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
BILL BAILEY

Doubt
The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY

Bafflingly Jump Paralyzing Philosophical Spider
I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
BILL BAILEY

Bonus Paid Suddenly
Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEY

Clubs Marijuana
Bill Watterson
BILL WATTERSON

Looks
Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’

BILL BAILEY

Bill Bailey
BILL BAILEY

Males Pubs Three
The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.

BILL BAILEY

The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
BILL BAILEY

Biscuits Spontaneous
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
BILL BAILEY

Crush Cynicism

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.

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