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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

Billy Connolly

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Baby Delivery Funny Humor Paddy Probably
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Country Kilts Looks Mcdonalds Quater
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Crosses Malfunction
I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Breaking Girl Heart Thinking Worse
I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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Algebra Funny Humor Likely never
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Hands Issues People Pound
There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Adventure Being Happy Running
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Funny Humor Jesus
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Afterward Comedy Looks Nuclear
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Funny Humor Morning Snowplough
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Funny Love Marriage Wedding
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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Acting Different Discipline
Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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Fraudulence People Pomposity Sometimes Thinking Water
Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Jobs Jon Tell Workplace
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

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