Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
BILLY CONNOLLYI used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
BILLY CONNOLLY