“The world’s like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it’s real, that’s how powerful our minds are”

This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

When you’re…stepping over a guy on the sidewalk…does it ever occur to you to think, ‘Wow. Maybe our system doesn’t work?’

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you’ve chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You’re dead too.

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?

While I’ve found many of the religious shows I’ve viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I’ve never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet – turning off the TV completely.

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? …Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don’t think a Marlboro Light’s gonna faze him that much.

I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves…After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin’ [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] ‘good evening everybody, remember me, smoking’s bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

I am a misanthropic humanist… Do I like people? They’re great, IN THEORY.

My early career was a real rush of movies and stardom – it was almost overwhelming.

The real barrier (to building a brand) is the human mind.

I also want them to know that being successful is not the real world – that their parents get treated better because they’re on TV.

By best, I mean when I have a real sense of doing the right thing and doing good for people and the connected universe of everybody.

Novels should be judged rigorously. Either a book works or it doesn’t. The fact that something is true in the real world should not lend authority to it in fiction.

I get bitter, angry and disbelieving and I tell my kids there a lot of idiots out there.

My spiritual life is… sometimes I have access to it and sometimes I don’t. When I do have access to it, it’s usually a sense of my understanding what the best course of action or the best thing for me to do.

Even though marriage is doomed, if you turned it into a job you like and really work at it – it can be salvaged.