“Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.”

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country…

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with creating and sharing.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who’ve helped me.

I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes–are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

Sixteen years I’ve pounded my head against the mentality of America, which…I’d say it’s about an 8th grade emotional level.

I was in Australia….Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den….think of the parties.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven’t proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven’t seen the stats on that yet.

I’m totally confused about what I’m going to do with my life.

I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

You only need to lose track of who you are, or who you thought you were supposed to be, so that you end up lying flat on the dirt floor basement of your heart. Do this, Jesus says, and you will live.

Many great people over the centuries have depended on their faith- it is a sign of great strength to need Jesus in your life.

Prayer means talking over with Jesus everything that happens from morning until night.

With so much effort being poured into church growth, so much press being given to the benefits of faith, and so much flexing of religious muscle in the public square, the poor in spirit have no one but Jesus to call them blessed anymore.

[The Jews] tried to kill the principles of all religions with the same mentality in which they betrayed Jesus Christ and the same way they tried to betray and kill the Prophet Muhammad.

The infallible test of spiritual integrity, Jesus says, is your private prayer life.

Religion says earn your life. Secular society says create your life. Jesus says, ‘My life for your life.

To be fully human is perhaps why I’m Christian, because I see in the life of Jesus a way of being fully human.