I don’t get along with anything, I really don’t…I’m, I’m, maybe I’m just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.
BILL HICKSDo I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …
More Bill Hicks Quotes
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Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?
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They believe the bible is the exact word of God – Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? “I think what God meant to say…”
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Don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.
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Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.
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Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.
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I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.
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I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
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I was a weekend drinker…I’d start on Saturday, end on Friday…thought I was controlling it…but I don’t drink any more.
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If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.
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I’ll tell you how to solve this abortion thing…Those unwanted babies…? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.
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Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour.
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Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
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I’m sorry if any of you are Catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re Catholic.
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How do I know the Bible isn’t the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand…considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!
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Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.
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What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.
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Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …
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And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, “This is my creation, perfect in every way… oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they’ll think I want them to smoke it… Now I have to create Republicans.”
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I saw…a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.
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Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?
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What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy!
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England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States…23,000 deaths from handguns. But – there’s no connection.
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How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? …Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
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I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman…come in the guise of a comic…to heal perception by using…’jokes’.
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The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
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Sixteen years I’ve pounded my head against the mentality of America, which…I’d say it’s about an 8th grade emotional level.
BILL HICKS