Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
BILLY CONNOLLYI decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY