I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
BILLY CONNOLLY