I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLYScotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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