“Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!”

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.

Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.

I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”

I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

When people are treated well, and they’re made to feel valued, they give 110 percent.

I’m just very wary that once you start military operations in any country, it’s very difficult to predict what the outcome is.

This is asked of little kids. But I still live in the same outcome.

Science is the outcome of being prepared to live without certainty and therefore a mark of maturity. It embraces doubt and loose ends.

Belief is 100 percent of the outcome.

Truth has always been the best policy, no matter what it is or the outcome.

A true loss is one where an outcome repeats itself.

Your present situation is an outcome of your previous actions & your future situation is gonna be the outcome of your present actions.