I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEYThree blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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This shed does not contain me.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
BILL BAILEY








