As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
BILLY CONNOLLYIt’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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