“For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs.”

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Joseph and Mary did – Traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

You’re not in competition with other women. You’re in competition with everyone.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.

If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

When a man plays a woman in a dress, you’re halfway there. It’s inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it’s not that instant kind of funny.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions… Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

Don’t be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable.

Life is improvisation.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history’s worst decisions […].

I listen to Bill Stewart play the drums and when I have finished doing that, I listen to Bill Stewart.

Congress is headed in the wrong direction with this bill which removes any and all incentives from the food industry to improve their products for children.

I’ve had the luxury of owning my own studio, 24 analogue, 48 digital, endless effects, endless hardcore gear, that I don’t have to rent, I don’t get stuck with the bills, it’s all mine.

Bill Russell was my favorite player of all-time.

Recommended additon to the Consumer Privacy Bill of Rights: “A right to not have your data rise up and attack you.”

No matter how much evidence we uncover about this case or any others involving Mr. Clinton, millions of Americans simply will not care – they will excuse the corruption because they like Bill Clinton.

You can say anything you want to say. I’m just Bill Foley.

Bill Clinton was relentless, eloquent and truly charming.