“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.