“The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.”

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

Here’s how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don’t even see me coming.

I’m not willing to drag my fans down a road I don’t believe in. That’s just my one little principle. I’ve only got one, and that’s it.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I’ve been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I’ve always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I want my fans to feel like we’re always in touch. Because without ’em, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it’s about. The content’s got to be great, but then it’s got to be delivered. It’s a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

You can’t fix stupid.

I don’t do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil’s show. He’s a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn’t give me any advice. He doesn’t give solicited advice.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It’s like anything else. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I’ll create more comedy. It’s just when I shut off and stay at home… What helps me is just to keep moving.

Let’s face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.

Humanity is not without answers or solutions regarding how to liberate itself from scenarios that invariably end with mass exterminations.

Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

Making money is not gonna change anything about what I am, except I won’t answer the door.

In order for answers to become clear, the questions have to be clear.

When typhus or cholera breaks out, they tell us that Nobody is to blame. That terrible Nobody! How much he has to answer for. More mischief is done by Nobody than by all the world besides.

You don’t have to know everything or figure out everything. Be comfortable in not knowing all the answers.

I remember when I came out of an exam thinking I had done well and then I had a clue that maybe one answer was wrong, I remembered that I rather stop knowing, stop thinking about it, appreciating life instead.

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.