I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.
AISHA TYLERI really do know football.
More Aisha Tyler Quotes
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Wipe the rivulets of watery drool from your face, and do it again, like an obstinate toddler running against the wall with his head in a bucket.
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Karaoke is the great equalizer.
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When I was younger, those kinds of comments bothered me, but eventually got to a point where I realized I wasn’t going to change who I was.
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So much of a stand-up’s life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.
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I was really unhappy. I had a great job that I should have loved, yet I was miserable. I slowly realized that was because I wasn’t performing. So I just tried stand-up and fell in love with it after one performance.
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I love being married. I love my husband. I think married people always have that thing where they think that the grass is greener on the single side, but all my single friends are like,
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I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was torture.
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I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet.
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I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry.
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the freedom to live a life free of fear of violence, to select a fulfilling career and be compensated fairly, to choose when to start a family, to marry whom you love.
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Marriage is a mystery and part of it is just being kind to each other, not being selfish.
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A belief in feminism is a belief in personal freedom.
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I always tell people that if you really want to know somebody, they should listen to that person’s interview with me. I spend a lot of time with my guests.
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My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.
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No one wants to hear about how awesome you were; people want to hear about the time you blew it.
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I have always been a softie, and I fight it with every fiber of my being. Sadly, my being’s fibers need to hit the gym.
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I will say that stand-up is my first love; it’s how I got started and is in my bones.
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I like to be nice. I want to be a hero. I want to save people. Or just kill zombies, because they deserve it, because they’re already dead and they can’t feel it. They don’t have feelings.
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TV always wants more people to be watching.
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I’m black, and black don’t crack. It does droop.
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Am I going to complain about being typecast as smart? I don’t think so.
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I love Toronto. I love it. I love Toronto. I love Canada. I can’t wait to get back. Can’t wait to have some Timbits.
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Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.
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So everything is all the same job in my eyes, and I don’t want to ever give up any part of it.
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So I think the longer you do stand-up, the more comfortable you are. You stop wanting to hide your foibles and instead want to show who you are.
AISHA TYLER