“I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.”

Sometimes the mistake I see people make is thinking that they’re always going to be up, and I think that’s impossible for anyone.

I’m sure I had low-level scurvy all of my childhood.

You know, it’s about getting out there and having a good time. Not about worrying .

I was raised by a single dad, so I’ve always just kind of liked “guys” stuff. I think my dad just took me to the things he was interested in.

I actually wanted to be an attorney. I did do things on the side like improv and sketch comedy, but law was my focus. I was a very bookish, academic kid. When I got out of college,

I’m just myself, so I don’t know that I think of myself as a nerd icon.

My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.

I’m my own boss and my boss is a total ass.

I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was torture.

I was not one of those people who wanted to be a comedian when I was growing up. I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living.

Every ethnic group has this where people within it will try and tell each other how they should be.

They always say some women like to fix people. I don’t like to fix people, but you like a challenge.

If you haven’t noticed yet, working sucks. Unless you are a racecar driver or an astronaut or Beyonce, working is completely and utterly devoid of awesome.

When I get old and slow down I want to look behind me and see all the fire and the wreckage and no stone left unturned.

Marriage isn’t a carnival ride.

On general principle, I boycott shows that don’t employ actors.

[Before being burned at the stake for her faith:] Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames.

That past which is so presumptuously brought forward as a precedent for the present, was itself founded on some past that went before it.

I’m a child of God first. Before I became a celebrity, I was baptized a Christian.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

You’ve done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.

Who has not sat before his own heart’s curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.

I’ve been in a couple of weddings where the coolest people that were the most day before so mellow and then the day of the wedding freaking out.

I love money because I’ve earned it. I won sixty G’s with my first knockout – and the week before, I was collecting social welfare.