“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence.

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

But if there’s love, dear – those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.

There is a slight tomboyish side to me. But I was studious, and I did not bunk classes!

I know many of you thought that I would be retiring today, but if I was ever going to announce my retirement it would not be in a downtown Los Angeles hotel with this fairly ugly carpet.

When I asked Imran Khan for an autograph he picked up his bat to hit me.

The good Lord added an extra dash of forehead when making me.

I can fight with all actors, I can face them and win, but I cannot fight aliens.

I’d love to romance Aishwarya Rai. But I’m 58 now. So I have to play her father.

Yoga may look peaceful and calming, but even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have trouble breathing after twenty surya namaskars in a row.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.