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I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.

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There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
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My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’
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Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
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I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.
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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’
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What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
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I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.
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Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
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Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’
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