“My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.”

Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.

I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.

As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’

I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.

I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.

I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, ‘Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man’s under the bed!’ Pop opens one eye, he’s like, ‘Is the boogie man bigger than me?’ ‘

The human body is in constant change the minute we’re born. It’s in a constant state of decay. We’re all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’

Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

When Courtney’s mother and I first separated I tried to be Disney Dad, showering her with gifts, trips and then I snapped out of it.

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

My dad was in the army. World War II. He got his college education from the army. After World War II he became an insurance salesman.

Mom and Dad even took in foster children. ‘There are no limits to how much you can love,’ Dad always said.

I love music; my dad and brother were very musical, and music just happens to be one of my hobbies that became my vocation.

I was crawling around inside of her. She was a church pianist. My dad was a brilliant singer. I was hearing it.

My dad graduated seminary there, and so did (sounds like) Mark Kimball’s grandfather. They sang in a quartet together, my dad and Mark Kimball’s grandfather.