Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’
ADAM FERRARAMen tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’
More Adam Ferrara Quotes
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I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.
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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
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I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.
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Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.
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I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.
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There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
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The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’
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Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’
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Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’
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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, ‘Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man’s under the bed!’ Pop opens one eye, he’s like, ‘Is the boogie man bigger than me?’ ‘
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I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.
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I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.
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My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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I love to believe that there’s one god but there’s many different religions so there’s just the question of which long distance company you pick.
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The human body is in constant change the minute we’re born. It’s in a constant state of decay. We’re all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
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Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.’
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As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
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I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’
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There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
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I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.
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If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.
ADAM FERRARA