“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I don’t care, turn the organ up, and that’s really how I became an organ player.

Still being ambitious to want to play on the record, I was a mediocre keyboard player. And uh, I seized the opportunity and played the organ.

All organs of an animal form a single system, the parts of which hang together, and act and re-act upon one another; and no modifications can appear in one part without bringing about corresponding modifications in all the rest.

It is not the organs-that is, the character and form of the animal’s bodily parts-that have given rise to its habits and particular structures. It is the habits and manner of life and the conditions in which its ancestors lived that have in the course of time fashioned its bodily form, its organs and qualities.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity.

The brains -the thinking organs- are the world producers -nature’s genitals.

When i feel tense, I remember to relax all of the muscles and organs in my body

The butterflies in my stomach were devouring my organs. The feeling wasn’t mutual.