The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
BILL MAHERThe First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
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Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
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There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
BILL MAHER