In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
BILL MAHERSuicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
More Bill Maher Quotes
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There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
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The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
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The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHER






