“I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.”

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

My arms spread like wings to your side of the bed, as I close my eyes. The sound of the rain, like music to my ears, my body sinks deep into my sheets. As I fall asleep with my heart in peace.

First of all, I love singing. I mean, I get out of bed and I sing. I can’t help it.

Just you and only you. You fit so perfectly in my arms, in my bed and between my legs.

I want you to be the one I stay in bed with on sunday morning, and never want to leave.

If its not for the distance, you would be with me under the silken sheets by now. By now the bedsheets would have soaked in out wetness.

Let your heat melt me. Let my desires flow down slowly from my thighs into the bedsheet.

Push me on the bed and come over me. Let me pull down your pants and press my mouth onto your naked peak. Let me taste the lava that flows out of your volcano.

I want a love that shouts from the rooftops holds me close in bed, wants to show me off and will forever hold my hand.