All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPSI love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS