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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS

Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS

Mom Often Quite Sex Sister
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Boxing Chess Computer Defeat Game Myself Sports Technology
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS

Home Myself Parents Rule Strict
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS

Battle Enemy Sex Sleep
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPS

Age Courage Myself School Time
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Forgiveness Funny God Myself Night Prayer Realization Steal
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

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Popular Authors

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