When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHERReligion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
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If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
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In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.
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You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
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Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
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That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
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People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
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The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
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Denying racism is the new racism.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
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I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
BILL MAHER