“The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.”

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Grand strategy is the art of looking beyond the present battle and calculating ahead. Focus on your ultimate goal and plot to reach it.

The wounds received in battle bestow honor, they do not take it away.

You want your sunshine? Battle the storm ahead.

Actually, your past successes are your biggest obstacle: every battle, every war, is different, and you cannot assume that what worked before will work today.

When we let go of our battles and open our hearts to things as they are, then we come to rest in the present moment. This is the beginning and the end of spiritual practice.

Getting healthy isn’t just about losing weight. It’s not limited to adjusting our diet and hoping for good physical results. It’s about recalibrating our souls so that we want to change – spiritually, physically, and mentally. And the battle really is in all three areas.

The toughest battle is fighting with the one you are fighting for.

In Latin America the border between soccer and politics is vague. There is a long list of governments that have fallen or been overthrown after the defeat of the national team.